o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
