During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
