You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
