I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
