So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
