I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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