he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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