I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i just google imaged poop.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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