Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
