When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
