I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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