When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Randomize
