if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
