I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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