he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
my poor anus
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
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