Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
