i was rollin on her like bob the builder
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
A+ Viking dick
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
