he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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