So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
