Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
