having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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