have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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