those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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