i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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