If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
