new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
