I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
