I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Randomize
