You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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