dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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