so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
