sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
