I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We need to rekindle our bromance
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
