All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
