I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
