I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
