i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I want a musical about memes.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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