I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
