I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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