I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
