my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
