i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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