so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
