I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
