I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
