someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
