you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
