She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
