Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Randomize
