I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
