Umm I'm too high to move.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
